you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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