at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Hello my rib-scented angel!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
