Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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