Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!