i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.