I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"