Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag