The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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