i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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