someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
