The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
