i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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