Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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