It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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