Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
