So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
