Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
