my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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