Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need water and some morals
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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