dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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