just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
