Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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