how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
