fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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