im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
