Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
