Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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