you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
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I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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