Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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