if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My sheets look like a crime scene.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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