Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
