I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
