I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
BRING THE BAGELS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
