I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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