Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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