I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
