I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
