Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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