Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
