I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
