Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
