Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
