What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
