Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
