hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
