3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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