I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
