that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
