my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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