There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
