After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
