sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize