If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
