Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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