I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
