I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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