omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
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How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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