sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
