New low: just hacked my moms facebook
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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