you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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