We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
