I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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