I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
