The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
