Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
